Friday Night Lights

Last week I attended the Ram Rally and volunteered in the Booster tent to help with Spirit Wear sales. I didn’t give much thought to how long I was going to be there. All of the excitement and energy reminded me of Joel’s joy that first day of his freshman year. He was wearing his “No Filter” shirt. It was a perfect fit for him. He was so happy.

After an hour of “excitement” working the tent, I had enough and went inside. Partially to look for Julia. Partially to walk the halls. As I was walking the halls, I tried to imagine a place and time when Joel was there. Giving high fives, smiling and chatting it up. At the cafeteria, I looked in the windows. It was empty, but in my mind I could hear him laughing with his buddies. I must have wandered into the 7th and 8th grade sub school because I saw one of his 8th grade teachers. She gave me a big hug and shared a story with me about Joel’s impact on a couple of her students. Very heartwarming.

Like a ton of bricks (or Joel’s 3-point shot), school started on Monday. “First day of school” pictures. Senior Sunrise. Welcome rally. Paint the track. Yet no Joel. Julia had to walk into that massive building for her senior year without her wingman. I’ve been to Robinson a few times this week. Of course, each time I got there the freshman football team was walking out to the practice field. It’s all gut wrenching.

Tonight the Robinson Football team has their opening game at South County. Although I’ll probably end up going, can’t say I’m excited about it. Joel was preparing for a breakout year. He felt he had what it took to hang with Varsity. Even if he rode the bench, he’d still love it and would have brought energy and excitement to the sidelines.

In the buildup of this season, the Robinson community has been amazing. Faculty, teachers, coaches, boosters, students, parents, etc. Sticker for the helmets made with Joel’s initials. A memorial bench on the sidelines in Joel’s honor. Hopefully we’ll be able to assemble it before the first home game.

We had stickers and car magnets made in Joel’s honor, “Do Good and Never Quit” (see image below). That was Joel. “Do Good” to Joel meant doing the best you can with what you have. And he never quit or backed down. Those that watched him play football or soccer know what I’m talking about. He was like this in games and practice. (FYI, if you want either a sticker or magnet, let me, Julia, Jane, or Monica know).

Why am I sharing this with everyone? I guess because there are a lot of people that are grieving. Some worse than others. I want to paint a realistic picture so they know I’m right there with you. It’s terrible and I wish I could lift this weight for you. For the first time in a while, I’m admitting there’s hope. And I want you to know there’s hope. While I’m not the poster child for “grief recovery”, perhaps I can share what helps me slowly move forward, at times. If the sand of all the beaches in the world represent the weight of this grief, then each positive that comes from Joel’s life is a grain of sand off the top. I won’t be able to ever get all the sand off the top, but with help, we can lighten the load. To me, this is God’s plan at work and it’s my job to be His hands and feet. In the words of Fr. John Cavanaugh from the movie, Rudy:

“There is a God . . . and I’m not Him.”

If I can keep this in my crosshairs, no matter how many painful moments I have, I’ll know that I’m on the right path. At this point, I really don’t care where it takes me. It might take me up, down, left, right or backwards. One step, one breath, one minute, hour, and day at a time. And I try to give myself a break. If I can’t work, I don’t. If only half the lawn gets mowed, then OK. If I’m tired, I nap. If I’m snippy with someone, I ask for grace, usually with an an amend :).

I guessing tonight’s game will be tough for me. If you are there and want to say hello, I’ll be wearing Joel’s #28 jersey. Let’s see if I can fit into it :).

To Joel… love you buddy. We miss you a ton. Do Good. And to the Rams, kick some butt!