“How are you doing?”

I’m Fine, Thank You

There is nothing the matter with me
I’m as healthy as can be.
I have arthritis in both my knees
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze,
My pulse is weak and my blood is thin,
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

Arch supports I have for my feet,
Or I wouldn’t be able to go on the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I’m all right,
My memory is failing, my head’s in a spin
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

The moral is this – as my tale I unfold,
That for you and me who are growing old,
It’s better to say, “I’m fine” with a grin,
Than to let folks know the shape we’re in.

Cardinal Cushing

To provide a little more context…

The worst of times generally start around 4PM. It was about this time each day when the kids would descended back home from school. I’d pop out of my office to see them. There was generally laughter and some silliness going on amongst the three. Regardless, it ALWAYS brought a smile to my face. It’s gut wrenching knowing that I’ll never have that opportunity with Joel again.

Gut punches come often throughout the day and at any moment. They can either just knock the wind out of me or take me down hard. There are plenty of triggers around the house, town, school, the car, etc. The list of people, places, things, activities, goes on and on and if I start listing them all I’d never make it through this post.

I do go into Joel’s room at least once a day. Going in there to pray has become a routine for me. Walking into his room is a tough thing to do but generally I walk out of there feeling better than when I went in.

Certain things I can’t really bring myself to do just yet. Sorry to say one of them is to go through all the messages and cards people have sent. I’ll eventually get there. It’s clear that a lot of people have been touched by Joel’s life and have a natural desire to help and provide comfort.

I started back to work. The Avanan/Check Point team has been incredibly supportive as I work with great people and professionals. Being able to ease back into it without overcommitting wouldn’t be possible without their support. I’m not the same person I was before Feb 4th 2023, personally or professionally. Don’t know if I’ll be able to operate at the same level I had previously. No matter what, the team will continue to thrive.

Lots of people ask about sleep. For me, sleep has been good and it’s about the only time of the 24 hour day where Joel’s loss isn’t on my mind.

The biggest problem deals with finding hope. Often it sometimes feels like “a dangerous thing” as Red in Shawshank Redemption describes. How am I supposed to have any happy moments without Joel? Any celebrations? Any good times? There’s a natural reluctance in me to yearn for these times.

The honest and logical answer is that I have a wonderful family with whom Joel is a part of. They are a priority for me. Carrying on Joel’s light is a priority for me. Above all, fulfilling my obligations to God. This logic represents hope which Andy Dufrene refers to as “a good thing, maybe even the best of things.” Yet as much sense as this makes, living like this side of the Hope-Despair spectrum, it is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do.

That said, Joel’s got a poster hanging in his room that I look at it each time I go in there. He asked for it for Christmas one year. I’ve been wondering… did he ask for that for himself or for me?