This is probably the second most asked question just behind the “How are you?” question. Both are appropriate and both tough to answer honestly. But let me at least give it a shot.
It’s been two months since we lost Joel and yet I still cannot comprehend it. I’ve heard repeatedly that the loss of a loved one “leaves a hole”. Seems more fitting to call it a black hole… an object with such gravitational force that it will consume anything that gets too close to it. Including light. That said, I’d rather not spend my time here shining light into a black hole. I’d rather shine the light where it will do some good.
To answer the question at hand, you are already helping. The support from everyone directed to our family, especially the girls, has been amazing. Prayers, meals, books, intentions, cards, conversations, text messages, rides, errands, flowers, it’s all helpful. I wouldn’t be able to sit here and write this without all the support from so many. Knowing Joel’s life spurred such an outpouring of love is beautiful. We can never thank you enough.
Alas, these amazing acts slow down or cease altogether. Much to my chagrin, the meal train will end. The question “How can I help?” morphs into “What else can we do?” Given everything that everyone has done, what else is there? My hope is that Joel’s life and death spurs something within each of us. Not necessarily a monumental accomplishment such as end to world hunger or peace, love and prosperity all the days of our life. That would be nice. Realistically though, it’s subtle changes that results in strengthening our faith and helping others. This is where you will let “Let Goodness Shine”.
If you would like more concreate and actionable ideas: pray, give, participate in the “What Would Joel Do” Week of Service, or donate to the Joel Byrne Let Goodness Shine Fund (tax deductible).
If that’s not enough direction, let me give you a few lessons in the paragraphs below that Joel taught me. Perhaps this will spur some thoughts for your own action.
Pick up trash
You can look at this literally or figuratively. Joel was known for picking up trash laying on the ground. While he was sincerely concerned about the environment, I think it was more than that. The literal action was the act of picking up trash. Figuratively, picking up trash was a representation of doing the next right thing. If he stepped over garbage on the sidewalk and he could reach down and pick it up to throw away, then that’s the next right thing to do. Did spending the extra 2 seconds picking it up matter to him? No. Did holding a grimy, germ infested piece of garbage matter? Apparently not. Did he care if someone poked fun at him for doing the next right thing? Not at all.
“I remember Joel always being the first one to volunteer to help me or anyone else in need, whether it was picking up trash in our classroom or supporting peers with assignments/troubleshooting technology issues.”
Grade School Teacher
The funny thing is that he had a hard time picking up his socks that closely resembled trash scattered throughout the house.
Sacrifice Comfort to Support Others
There are countless stories how Joel went out of his way to be inclusive to others. If he had to sacrifice his own comfort to sit with the personae non grata, the outsider, or the stray, he’d do it. Examples of this include the following testimony from one of his teachers:
“There was one particular year where Joel would sit with a student who had special needs. This student struggled on a daily basis and many of the students did not want to work with him. Every week in class Joel would sit at his table and ask to be partners during group activities.”
Elementary School Teacher
He was like this from grade school to high school. How much easier would it have been to stay where he’s comfortable? With the group he knows best. It wasn’t just in school. Outside of school while driving. If we passed cars pulled over on the road, he’d be asking, “Should we help them?” It didn’t matter the conditions. And maybe it was this question that spurred me into action when I finally decided to pull over and help someone stuck in a ditch during a driving snowstorm.
Strive for Improvement
Joel was an athlete from the time he started walking. I remember clearly the early days of him as a toddler smashing whatever ball he was kicking, hitting, or throwing. This gift was very evident watching him do anything related to sports. But the thing about Joel is he didn’t stop there and just rely on natural talent. If he did, we wouldn’t have heard countless stories from his coaches about him being “first on the field and last off”. Or asking for tips on “how he can improve”. If there was room for improvement, there were things he could work towards. He was like this in sports, school, his work, even in the email messages he’d send people as part of his glass business. He meticulously reviewed each message he sent his customers. And even after he reviewed each, he ask, “Pops, does this message look good?” Wouldn’t it have been easier for him to just hit send without proofreading? Of course it was. But that wasn’t him. BTW, rarely did I change anything and when I did, it was a word here or there.
So this begs the question, “How is improving yourself helping others?” My takeaway was that it’s about the impact you have on others when you strive for improvement. It’s leadership. Setting the example and demonstrating that hard work pays off.
“[Joel] cared about playing as a team, making his teammates better and wanting to succeed as a team. He wanted to lead the team from within and push the whole team to success.”
Basketball Coach
“Joel demonstrated to his coaches and his teammates week after week that there is a direct link between proper preparation and great results on the field. I am exceedingly grateful to have coached—and to have known—Joel Byrne. I am a better man for it. I will never forget #28.”
Football Coach
Give Even if it’s not Prudent
On countless occasions, Joel would want to give money to the homeless, regardless of whether I or someone in his circle thought it was prudent. In spring of 2022, the family took a trip to New York City for a weekend. Little did I know he brought about $400 cash. Mainly 10’s and 20’s. It wasn’t until I noticed him dropping a 20 in someone’s guitar case did I start to ask questions. He gave me a simple explanation that went something like this, “This man needs money, I liked the music, and I brought this money up here to give away”. To me it wasn’t “prudent”. Maybe spread the money out. Instead of 20’s how about singles? Or how about giving the money to a charity? What dawned on me after his explanation is that Joel would rather error on the side of giving too much than not giving at all. And perhaps the attitude of “prudence 1st” is nothing but an excuse we give ourselves to hold back. Perhaps my role as a father shouldn’t be to tarnish the giving nature of his youth.
Have Faith And Preach without Preaching
One of St. Teresa of Calcutta’s (Mother Teresa) favorite prayer is a beautiful representation of how Joel shared his faith:
Dear Jesus, help us to spread your fragrance
Attributed to Bl. John Henry Newman
everywhere we go.
Flood our souls with your spirit and life.
Penetrate and possess our whole being so utterly
that our lives may only be a radiance of yours.
Shine through us and be so in us
that every soul we come in contact with
may feel your presence in our soul.
Let them look up and see no longer us, but only Jesus.
Stay with us and then we shall begin to shine as you shine,
so to shine as to be light to others.
The light, O Jesus, will be all from you.
None of it will be ours.
It will be you shining on others through us.
Let us thus praise you in the way you love best
by shining on those around us.
Let us preach you without preaching,
not by words, but by our example;
by the catching force –
the sympathetic influence of what we do,
the evident fullness of the love our hearts bear to you. Amen.
Joel was proud of his faith yet he didn’t preach. He was an example. A “catching force”. Even before his death, his example helped bring me closer to God.
His friend and teammate Roberto puts it best when he went to the locker room before a football game and saw Joel sitting quietly reading the Bible:
From the first moment, I realized that Joel was something else… Joel was sitting down reading the Bible. In that moment of realization. my heart lifted in a weird kind of way. I came and sat next to him. We sat in silence as he read.
Once he had finally finished, we talked. I expressed to him how cool it was and he would brush it off as if it was nothing. He would hold no pride nor shame. Just a pure goal to become closer to Him. As a Christian myself; I took for granted how important this was. They would tell us consistently in the church of its importance, but its rare to find a teenager who would strive to do such things.
He was so casual about all of it. It wasn’t uncommon for him, it was religious.
Joel Teammate and Friend
The message… It’s OK to have faith. It’s OK to be a Christian. It’s OK to read the Bible. As a “catching force” he didn’t “pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others” as it says in Matthew 6:5-6. He wasn’t looking for approval or acknowledgement, but also didn’t hid it. Nope he just did.
I’ve spent the last two months collecting memories of Joel. Maybe someday I’ll share. Maybe not :). Some of these memories make me laugh, cry or smile. Some stop me in my tracks. And some teach me lessons. I think it was Matthew Kelly who said that he “writes books that he needs to read.” I guess I get what he’s saying now. These are lessons I need to hear.
PS, As I learn more lessons, I’ll update this post.