During these months I’ve read a bunch. Lots of scripture. Several books on things like near death experiences, grief, prayer, metaphysics, and so on. Actually met with one of the authors for coffee. A couple of months ago I read “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief” by David Kessler. Kessler, an international grief expert, and a grieving father himself, pulls insight from the thousands of grief cases he has worked and concludes that finding meaning is “the way to transform grief into something else, something rich and fulfilling.”
Overall loved the book because it gave me some hope. My challenge with it… to buy into the “meaning” concept, you need to somehow be open to the idea that good can come from tragedy. I can barley bring myself to write these words. How could I ever acknowledge that good can come from Joel’s loss. Nothing good can make up for this loss. Even the suggestion of finding meaning instilled a paralyzing fear.
“Sometimes people say they don’t want to find meaning in their loss… To find meaning in it would be to sugarcoat it and they don’t want to do they. They I think they are afraid that if they let go of the pain, they will lose the connection to their loved one.”
David Kessler, “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief”
Yet I don’t have a choice. In Joel’s death or in the good that is being done. Countless stories. Massive acts of charity. People deepening their faith. Youth embracing Joel’s sportsmanship and spirit towards others. Just some of the categories of great things that are happening.
The pain is impossible to explain. I’ve done everything to try to ease it. If there is a best practices grief checklist, I’ve checked off every box. I don’t think there’s anything else I can do about the pain other than to just accept it.
There is a scene in “A Beautiful Mind” towards the end that that captures this philosophy pretty well. John Nash (played by Russell Crowe) was asked by a former classmate of his whether he still haunted by his hallucinations and voices. Specifically he asked Nash, “Are they gone?” The scripted response is great:
No, they’re not gone.
And maybe they never will be.
But I’ve gotten used to ignoring them, and I think, as a result, they’ve given up on me.
You think that’s what it’s like with all our dreams and our nightmares?
You’ve got to keep feeding them for them to stay alive?
I don’t have any expectations of how the pain will ebb and flow. I know nothing will ever justify Joel’s death. Yet there is goodness coming from Joel’s life that is positively impacting and inspiring others. If there’s something I can do to help to that end, then that’s what I should be doing.
Strength vs. Will
Coming to a conclusion that I need to find meaning is easier than actually figuring out which direction to go. There are many questions in terms of how the donation money should be use and how/if we should look for ways to raise money to further Joel’s spirit. Answers to these questions require more will than strength.
I look at strength as a finite resource. Strength is making the decision to get out of bed, go to a social gathering, make dinner, attend a Robinson football game, or even smile. If I had the strength to do some of these things, why couldn’t I have the strength to find the meaning? My answer… strength comes from self. Relying purely on strength isn’t sustainable in finding meaning.
I needed will, the intrinsic drive to take action. To me, will is divinely inspired. You see will in the child that goes out and spends hours in the yard improving his or her skills on a sport. You see will in the lives of Saints like St. Thomas Aquinas or St. Teresa of Calcutta (Mother Teresa). Stephen Hawking. You also see it with some leaders in business, healthcare and technology. Minus those that act out of St. Thomas Aquinas’ four substitutes for God (the need for wealth, pleasure, power, and honor).
The tremendous pain of Joel’s loss is on my mind every waking minute. I know what it is to live in a personal hell. Yet I know there are parents that have it worse. Much worse. And just as there is always someone that has more than you, there is always someone that has less. Think about your lowest point and then pull the floor out. Someone is feeling that right now. But helping them, in even the littlest way, can be so easy and worth it for them. I think sometimes we avoid the simple because maybe our brains don’t get the dopamine rush that we are expecting. Even just praying for someone. Some people say praying doesn’t do anything. I beg to differ. Each time someone told me they prayed for us it lifted my spirits. Thoughts of us via text messages, emails, cards, etc. all help. “Was thinking about your family today…”, “Thought I’d share a Joel story with you…”, “We’re praying for you…” So simple.
Joel lived his life like this. After it would rain, worms crawled onto the sidewalk or driveway. With each one Joel passed, he picked it up and put it back into the grass so it wouldn’t die. He’d pick up trash, bonded with the kid that was by himself, hugged someone that needed one, passed to the player that didn’t have any baskets. All of those things made a difference to someone. And they remember it. He lived the The Starfish Story as his deeds were small and unmeasured. Or like St. Therese of Lisieux’s “Little Way”, “performing ‘little virtues,’ not seeking grandiose sacrifices to God, but little acts of holiness.”
My will is to help Monica, Jane and Julia and our families. Joel’s friends, acquaintances and others impacted by his loss. And I want to honor my son who taught me so much. In the end, this is really serving God.
The Let Goodness Shine Network
“I know you’re drowning. You’ll keep sinking for a while, but there will come a point when you’ll hit bottom. Then you’ll have a decision to make. Do you stay there or push off and start to rise again?”
David Kessler, “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief”
Within the past few weeks, maybe I hit bottom. My will to be of help has been more prominent. To me it’s the result of a lot of prayer and God’s Spirit. To avoid false hope, I wanted to hold off on making any sort of declaration in case I’m wrong. But I’m prepared in the sense that I’m accepting I’m not prepared.
With that, we’d like to share with you some direction with regards to Let Goodness Shine.
The Let Goodness Shine Mission
The Joel Byrne – Let Goodness Shine fund was established as a result of the an outpouring of support immediately after Joel’s passing. Contributions to this fund will be a means to support the mission of Let Goodness Shine, which is to:
- Improve the lives of those less fortunate
- Encourage community service
- Provide greater opportunities for youth development
- Bring awareness, and ultimately reduce, the number of youth fatalities each year
- Honor the life of Joel Byrne
We hope this becomes more of a network than a fund and have created the Let Goodness Shine Facebook Group. This is a place for everyone to share Joel stories, pictures, acts of service, etc. – ultimately inspiring one another to do good. All of this will help honor Joel’s life in hopefully millions of little ways.
Next Steps
In December we will announce how some of the initial contributions will be used including making Christmas a little brighter for some of the less fortunate.
On January 10th, Joel’s birthday, we will announce additional plans for future fundraising opportunities.
Please continue to stay tuned and we look forward to fellowship with you.
Love to all.. The Byrne Family
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